brown vs. white

this deserves be a quite long blog entry, but due to time constraints (1:30 am) it cannot be.
Perhaps it is due to my german upbringing and the constant consciousness of recent national history that I am rather sensitive on this topic. but if I have no understanding for one issue it is racism.
Why does it matter what skin colour you have? why does it matter whether you speak tamil, arabian or cantonese as a first language? IT SHOULDNT. but unfortunately I find it still does. People clump together in national or cultural cliques. It "feels like family". Any non brown, non chinese non whatever are not welcome because you cannot have a say in the language, food, religion, or...? Its all something you can learn about. Further, its something you should spend your time learning about, because it makes your life more interresting, and will make you more interresting.
I actually am not invited to events of friends because I am not indian, or at least asian. I was asked several times if i really wanted to perform in a show by the indian society. How can you even come up with such issues? I'ts quite outrageous. And this is happening in one of the most international metropolitan areas of the world.
If everyone draws up the fences, no wonder you get treated differently, if your heritage is that of a minority.

nostalgia

I hang around all sunday, not getting things done I want and need to get done, nor really doing anything fun, nor purposefully relaxing. Im just hanging about up to nothing. It is a half state. I am not awake and active. I am not asleep. I want to be active. I want to do something fun. But I end up doing nothing at all. So that is in itself a very good prerequisite for an aweful day. then you just need a stolen nutella jar that was still half full and given to you by your boyfriend, and the realisation that with my school grades I can pretty much forget ever getting a scolarship, to set your mood to an unstoppable crashcourse downwards.
so now I am at the bottom. nad then I start to remember the good bits, not here, as here is never really happy, but from the near past; my last year or so in stuttgart.
I did realise, and I hope I did acknowledge and enjoy the feeling "glücklich" enough. This is the feeling I had walking to the train station in the morning, roaming through an empty ISS after everybody else had left. roaming around anywhere basically. I was pretty much bottom heap of the high school social ladder, but I found my way out. I had friends which I now realise how much I am missing them, and the regular coffee chats we shared. So Im going to spare you the rest of this "I am so miserable" rant, It will jsut continue like thi for 3 hours, and terribly bore you and be terribly embarrassing for me if I ever read what I wrote here.
I think what I am experiencing is a severe underoccupation. I need to find some other hobby or involvement. really bad and really quickly, as I think this will probably ease my lazyness and get me to do work. but what to do??
I am already dancing and taking spanish. I need something sort of political. AI? medsin? I dont know where Ill end up.

london life, theo and uni

If I were asked to describe my life here in london, I wouldnt know how to, or where to start.

I am more independant I guess. what I was doing before, I do now, just without the complication of a bit of parent anger. I have the freedom to go out when I want to. cme back when I think is reasonable, eat what I want to, and if I dot have anyhing, well then its my fault. I have to do washing- Ive done that before as well, just that now I plan it into my day, and dont have two unmissable (in the sense of not to miss) parents telling me when to do what.

my average day basically is thus comprised of studying (trying to study, its not really working-yet), eating, facebooking (instead of studying), and lots and lots of sleeping. and occasionally seeing more of london.

so who is this theo in the title? I was invited for feeding to ealing last thursday, thats in the west of london, where david and ruth kelly live. I got a really yummy and seemingly easy veggie cheese dish, as well as great yummy goodie apple crumble, but by that time I was so stuffed I had to leave half there. theo is the little one. Mr. k's baby boy, the former "tadpole". a very very cute baby, with huge blue eyes that likes oogling new people (ie. meee).

It is very weird in some way, as it has almost been 4 years since we were sitting in that class at the far left corner of the building, simultaneously shooting our hands up in the air, and here I am now, living in london (who would have thought of that?!) and getting dinner invites.

friday I got to look at cells in mitosis under the microscope. why dont they have practicals like that at school? its not that hard. all you need is a decent microscope a few cells in culture (so from a cold blooded animal preferably, as they divide at room temperature), buffer, alcohol, distilled water and dye. voila you can watch cells at different phases of the cell cycle- interphase, prophase, metaphase, anaphase, telophase. my favourite practical till now- nice and clear what to do and soooo cool.

yesterday was a charity event at our uni, in combination with the london wide charity week. the name was smokey not smudgy, and meant that lots of hair stylists, make up artists, henna artists etc etc. people prittifying girls came to give services for cheap. I had my once in a millenium haircut, and got henna done, the first time professionally. so that meant I was an invalid for the rest of the day. but now my right back of the hand and my left handpalm are covered in dark brown swirls, dots and flowers. hihi henna is so cool!

maybe that gives a glimpse of what I am up to.

ps. The poem is lovely, Pragathi. thank you

the sky was filled, with stars adorn

after your post, julia, i regret not having posted last night. this little post just for you was ready, but i never got to posting it, cos some lovely and difficult physics problems kept me up all night. i have been telling about your b-day for the past week to all my classmates (the one with ears!), but last night a series of events culminated in a very catastrophic end. anyway a day later yet, i wish you a bright and cheerful belated birthday and wish that your best years are yet to come.

long ago, when i used to be less able at writing poems, i would scrounge the net for random lines and then put them together. this is one of those poems saved and passed on from comp to comp because i think it puts it all very nicely.

Disclaimer: some modification from the original has been done cos my 13 year old self didnt know much about life.

/to my dearest amie...

Happy birthday, you’re not getting old,
Stay in the game, it’s not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look ;)
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

A little reminder to show that I care,
but too far for the cake to share.
memories of good times reappear,
Has it already been another beautiful year?

wishing you a happy 19th year ahead
charming rainbows of violet to red..
On this day, when you were born,
The sky was filled, with stars adorn.

love,
pragathi
from the land of far far away!

first ridiculous news of london: or the frustrating inability to celebrate a decent birthday

I have now been at my new london "home" for almost a month and I have to have another ridiculous birthday to remind myself of the fact I do actually want to keep up scribbling in here.

so what is so horrible? is it sleeping half the day? noone being around to share it with you because everyone is studying? (apart from yourself of course) or the alck of cake? of famliy? of presents or of the habitual friends I have sporadically seen the last few years? perhaps it is jsuzt the realisation that birthdays are not special days anymore. It seems as though few people really care, epecially not the people posting on your facebook wall, you have never, or perhaps once or twice talked to in your life. but every year I am hoping and sort of expecting my birthday to be speical not only to me and my parents, but aslo to my friends around me. but half never notice I even have a birthday and then are all surprized when I tell them in may (when they ask) it was my birthday in november. adn the other half are not in my near vicinity.

so what have I done today? I have slept long. treated myself with chocolate breakfast and lazed around bored the rest of the time. ok. david did cook me lunch, and I did get a bday card from my roommate grace and from amanda. and jsut now two little cakes from eva (thank you so much by the way) but the tristsesse still prevails. i dont know why. I think I am just not made for bcelebrating my birthday. and for getting ooold.