the night before the new day

Im on the verge of a new century. My last day of a ten at the beginning of my age has been super lazy, sleepy, drizzling by quicker than wanted and yet so endlessly long. I need time to think, but time slips away. I once heard that the time you experience until you are 18 and the time you experience for the rest of your life feel the same - a very scary thought.
I realised I miss home. I wish nothing more than to wake up in my room in stuttgart tomorrow morning, with my mum having some sort of surprize there for me (even if its only ready made breakfast) and for her to make me feel special tomorrow. my birthday is too early in the aceademic year for any of my uni friends to realise or to care. I am thus not hoping for anything great. I just hope that the friends I asked to come over care enough for me to keep the afternoon free - but as I said, I do not have high hopes.
It hence follows that I really dislike my birhtday. Its perhaps the most horrible day of the year. I hang around in melancholy of what has passed and never will be again. I hope for some cool thing to happen which never does, and I am too rubbish at organising parties to organise one for myself.
as already the chickflick "shes all that" said: "blaming (someone) isnt going to change the fact that the future is going to happen, whether you are ready for it or not"
when I look towards the decade that awaits me I can say with certainty that whatever the future holds, I am very ill prepared. or maybe not. After all "yo no se manana". whatever it will hold. it is my life and that makes it worth me living it. I have the priviledge of the choice, and I hope the choices I make now are going to fall into their place.
what is left is a good reason to enjoy the import from the distille, and the half price sainsburys wine. cheers to another healthy, happy, eventful, and enjoyable century.

Malay food

hmmm...malay food is the best I have encountered so far: everything asian is possibe. south indian banana leaf and mango lassi, chinese chicken and rice or noodles, or malay curries. the flacours are strong, spicy and rich. much oil makes it something you cannot have too much of, but I managed to ignore that fact most of the time. I was in food mekka penang, where they have everything and everything for very cheap. from sweets to chinese noodles to indian vada I ate myself through the town, and was increasingly and lastingly impressed. ice kachang, hokkien mee, rojak hmmm. I need more!!!

East Asia: Kuala Lumpur

And I am in KL right now. after three packed days of chinatown, food, green belt, temples, more food and the really impressive petronas towers we have an unexpected day of chilling ahead of us. that means: food, probably more temples, little india, more food and a chilled out day in general.
I witnessed my first hindu temple ceremony today, in the batu caves near KL, got a spot of ash on my forehead, ate rice and several curries from a banana leaf with my hands and tried jackfruit for the first time. it was a good day. I cant wait for the coconut and peanut pancakes tomorrow. mhhhh yummy. and then the perhentian islands and a bit of beachybeach and then more yummy malaysian food :D

East Asia: Singapore

I am off on the other side of the planet once more, htis time the other diresction. I have jsut spent 4 days wandering through singpore, meeting friends from uni, eating, windowshopping, eating more. the mixture between a very modern western societz meeting asia is very intriguing, even though I fear it will tip towards the western side so much it will eventually become the bland concrete cavern so many face- and personality lacking "modern" cities are. but for now it is very exciting. foodwise as well as building wise as well as shopping wise (if I had the need...) mroe to come

working days

For five weeks I had a job at the university hospital Heidelberg. I was working in the opthalmology operation theatre which I loaded and unloaded with patients, as well as one ENT operation theatre, same procedure. The last week I got to rip open a few packeges as well. nothing too demanding, but paying well. It was a weird glimplse into working life, and I must say, I am happy that I go to uni. It that was "it" I would wilt and end up hating my life. its nice to get some money, and also to get it constantly, but the job is monotonous and so undemanding i was killing braincells by the hour. In a way the perfect summer job - not too long, and not too mucht thinking after a year of uni. after work I had a cople of hours to enjoy Heidelberg, cooking, Juergens presence or to jet back home to Stuttgart, but I usually was hammered fromthe day of walking around and went to bed early. In a way it was really nice and relaxed and I was occupied. another way, 5 weeks was a good amount as well.

Brighton, Dover and melancholy

The last week of the year has arrived. People are slowly drizzeling out. The ones left over meet for a drowsy breakfast, reminiscing on the year, pitying we didnt go out enough and worked too hard, and dreaming about summer. I am all over the place. I try to scedule in friends I know I wont see in a long time, I try to pack, I try to enjoy london, and I dare not think that this year is over soon, I will be home in my old life for a few months.
In the meantime i am exploring the pleasures of london. And as of last monday, the pleasures o the area: brighton, and dover. We rented a car, and did the round trip along the coast in a day. fish and chips, beach, and chalk mountains all in one day.
I need to pack now. I dont want to pack now, but it has to be done. bye bye wilkinson, LG63 and most importantly, bye bye to the wonderful people I have been allowed to meet here. I hope that even though we are moving out etc. our friendship will remain.

internet vs the CD

Since a bit less than a year I have now been separated from my beloved and reliable library: source of lots of music. Instead I have been searching my way through youtube, lastfm and grooveshark, complemented by DASDING, by "home" radio station I used to wake up to most mornings and work to most evenings. My music habits have changed. No more complete cds, jsut a pick and mix of different songs. I miss putting in one artist and one style and listening through- the good and the less good songs. They were put there for a purpose, in that order, in that composition. "getting" some of what the artist is trying to say with that is part of the experience. The mood the CD creates is unique, eventhough it may get monotonous.
Looking foreward to home.

"es ist ein gutes gefühl zu wissen wir kennen uns noch in 10 Jahren"
Tomte: Buchstaben über der Stadt

google-What the hell?!

I cannot believe I was not able to access my blog!! the email adress that had functioned perfectly well for the past couple of years all the sudden denied my access. why??? It was perfectly fine!!! despite me not actually using that email account, it functioned perfectly well for blogging. and now im stuck with one of these stupid google accounts which interconnecs everything, doesnt leave you any privacy and traces all your internet activities- to backstab you ruthlessly with a shitload of spam and whatever else they want to sell you or make your life more transparent than youd ever want it to be- bad enough im on current cctv registration, no now all my online activities are probably recorded on my google account.
great... thanks blogger, and thanks google.

tanzt tanzt... sonst sind wir verloren

dance, dance, otherwise we are lost.

The first thing that shot through my mind upon receiving the text inviting me was "arte" followed by "3sat", the two german tv channels which show opera, dance and other cultural and intellectual highlights. Half excited, half apprehensive and half ready to be increadibly bored I texted my ok. A week later I found myself post-exam wallowing in the theatre near notting hill gate. watching the beginning scenes with my 3D specs on. My first thought was: "the next two hours will be long and painful".

Modern dance, especially on screen is often viewed with an abstraction. It is something which catches your attention between brainless tv channels, but something you think is too weird and too intellectual to actually consider entertainment or consider worthwile watching. My idea of any broadcast theatre production-be it ballet, opera, theatre or modern dance is labeled and set aside in the "boring box". Hence my feeling of "oh shit" at the beginning of the movie.

Pina makes you reconsider this. The film shows you that modern dance is more than just excentric- having lost the ballet aesthetic, daring uncomfortable situations, and expressing and adressing feelings of loss, despair, and things so uncomfortable you dont even know how to name them, except "not good". The classical standardised aestetic movement, as found in ballet is replaced by the strong feeling of joy, of love, trust, friendship and freedom the dancing excites in you. It is beautiful, not because it is so highly technical, but because it shows people how they are-inside. Pina's choreographys are expressive forces that invade you. At first slowly and infiltrive until you have understood how to read the language, but then powerful and overpowering without seeming blatantly obvious.

Pina takes dance outside- into nature, weird architecture, the road crossing, the public transport. The setting is familiar and recognisable or abstract and as out of a fashion fotoshoot-but you also have the simple stage. Scenes from performances, a dark box alightened by few, simple but still complicated props. effective and well chosen music to highlight the movements and mood, or movements to highlight the music. Sometimes traditional, german, french, modern, but always adding the next level to what you see.


Im not sure whether I like the 3D effect. It is good in 3D, even though some of the finer movements are lost in the blur. perhaps the 3D adds to the excitement and intimacy of the film. I wouldnt have chosen to produce it in 2D if I were the director and had the choice. You might as well...

I was touched, amazed and very positively surprized. Pina's choreographies connect to life, issues of every day and in the broad scope of things. This is an aspect lacking in most styles of dance, which make much of it only a leasure pleasure: monotonous and closed up in a world of its own. But this is art. Pinas choreographies express human nature, just as good litterature or paintings do. Now it has been two days and the film is still whirling around in my head. I think this is a good sign. Next time in germany I definately will try for Wuppertal to see Pina's company preform live. It must be wonderful.

Much ado about nothing

I should work, but no I am doing everything else. such as trying to get rid of my recent cold. or worrying about things that will eventually resolve with a lot less worry. Travelling plans for example, or housing plans. In case of travelling plans, somehting will ork out. in case of housing plans, I have the ultimative master housing plan, which will be quite a mix of diametrically opposed people: sami my current neighbour. the biggest carnivore I have ever met, and mr. superspontaneous. and then I have James. Mr." I cannot believe people eat meat". and "What you are asking me to be spontaneous?!" does that work? I shall find out, if the two guys are up for it. I enjoy the company of both, but now its down to them if they can deal with eah others diferentness. or something completely different. oh well I dnt mid anything anywhere in london will do. whatever Im giving up hope and nerves. I should work...*headshake*

cooking endeavours

first homemade joghurt... and it actually worked!!! Im excited yummy yummy breakfast tomorrow!!

home sweet home

I miss my bed. I miss the lovely view out of my window (which shows planst instead of a wall). I miss the landesbibliothek. Thats the best library ever if you need to study. I miss Herbertz espressobar, and breakfast with friends there. I miss yellow ubahns which work on a scedule and are reliable. I miss a nagging mum and an ignorant dad. I miss knowing Jürgen is only an hour away. I miss brezeln, proper bakerys and many trees in the city.
I am in london now. why am complaining? maybe because I should do work this minute, but no, off to breakfast. Anyhow. this is my london empire. more like desk-state ;)

PS. After a couple of days of consideration, I believe I lead a double life. life germany ,where I am a daughter, and still a girl, life two in london is where I take care of my life and toughen up a lot more. Both roles are enjoyable and really sweet, but I think the shift is hard.

why am I more responsible than some people more than a decade older than me?

Morrocco: adventures on the troublesome continent

My first time in africa. 3 days after my exam I still hadnt sorted my thoughts and come down from the adrenalin high and 14 hour study shifts. and suddenly im squeezing into a tightly packed ryanair machine, flying over the atlas mountains, which pieked out of fluffy cotton clouds. First stop agadir: a modern town, having been destroyed by an eartquake recently so that the oldest buildings are 60s precast concrete slab style. Apart from a nice beach, a good introduction to the frenzy of morrocan towns (not as crazy as india, but definately lots more crazy than anything youll find in europe) and an impressive, huge lighted arab writing, aadir seemed quite boring.

we decided to make for Taroundant, the main town of the Sous plateau the next day. we arrived the day of the weekly souk, the market. the weekly ones are held outside of town, on a field, while the daily ones inside town, in a huge market hall and around it. lovely vegetables, fresh from the field stacked up and up and up. Lush colours competed against each other, all wanting to be bought. He prices were so increadibly low I wished something similar was even remotely close to my normal stay.
We spent the next days rumaging among the market stalls and devouring the most delicious sweets ever from the bakery jsut across our hotel.

the next stop would be in the mountains. via ouled berhil we got a shared, grand taxi to take us across the tizi'n'test pass. A 2000m+ craze of a way to narrow street for more than one car at a time, a curve a second and no real boundary to the 100m+ downgoing mountain slope next to the road. It was not my idea. but in the end I was quite happy I held through. The scenery was spectacular! and the driver was the coolest I have ever seen. racing through the mountains at unbelievable accelleration and speed, completely unconcerned by the two throwing up morrocans on the seat next to him throwing up pretty much as soon as we left the village until we arrrived at our destination.

the next night we spent in asni at the house of a local with loads of mint tea. we slept on carpets, like most moroccans and had an ad hoc cooking course on morrocan cuisine.

We yearned for the coast and a decent stay. That was Essaouira were we stayed at a lovely dar with sea view. but instead of going to the touristy south beach we made our wy through the industrial quarter and the housing quarter to the north beach. Jürgen was about to chicken out when we saw a supermarket. That was an indication the area was by no means as poor as we had suspected. I convinced to have a look at the beach, and we spend a lovely day in the sun and sea.

As we had a bit more time thna planned, we decided to go or oualidia, a small but increasingly touristy village on the coast: no wonder. It had a lovely, calm lagoon surrounded by a rocky coast with picturesque rock formations that in combination with waves made very cool wave breaks.

And lastly the most crazy Marrakesh. The main square and touristy souks here had worried me since days, but outside the tourist zone it was a lot more friendly, less money focused and a lot less hasslesome. we visited tanneries (like in taroundant bu these were bigger), most major souks, the old town (medina) where we had a lovely hotel for 20 euros less than original price, the new town with mcdonalds and co. and of course the gardens with lovely, lush flowers.
pictures to come

IVDC 2011

best imperial b-team since 20 years:
best B team of all UK unis
chacha solo
best newcomer
third place team
same points as cambridge A, 1 more point than imperial A
14 of 84 in intermediate

successful tournament eh?
:D :D :D

a minor issue with major frustration

And once again I am hugely frustrated - about dancing. I can imagine everyone now rolling there eyes now- Yes, been there done that. Frustration while dancing is nothing new. I have explerienced technique frustration, dancepartner frustration, not dancing frustration, trainer frustration and generalised frustration against anything.
My frustration, I fear, is frustration against everything. My dance partner is starting to get on my nerves. the other people are so arrogant its disgusting, and the teachers just simply suck, because they wont teach you properly. oh yes, and to top it off, i cant do what I am expecting myself to be able to dance.
I need a break from dancing here. I miss my old club, where I had even worse issues, but at least I had the few people that made dancing worthwile and bearable and where I could trust the teacher not to bullshit.

eight days a week

one of those impossible wishes i guess..

it rained. the first rain of the many more to come this year. the dust has settled down on the streets. the air smells of nature for a change. and my mind feels strangely awake.

i try to cram in a million little details about electrolytic cells and hydrostatics. and MY MIND IS TAKING IT ALL IN!! woah i feel wonderful. tht might explain my sudden urge to blog, hurriedly penning/keying in my thoughts before my lappy, running low on battery, dies.

it was wonderful to hear from you Julia. my comp as you know is still stuck in the middle ages, but now my mail also seems to have joined in. gives me awkward messages at awkward momments. so instead of trying to fight with that fiend, im here to say hi!!!!!!!!!!!!

in another less than 80 days i will be done with this overrated pursuit of college.

and i will be FREEEEEE!!!!!! TO D WHAT EVER I WANT::

so here's to the good times to come.
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.
.
.
.
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time to go back. i really love those leprechauns that carry the double charge of copper in that maze of enormous water monsters..

male and female: black and white, or what?

When are you male/female?
This is a simple question, especially at fist thought, but actually so much more complicated. Is it what you look like? what you feel like or whether your cells contain XX or XY?
if your answer is what you look like, or the genetics, what happens to those unfortunate people "born in the wrong body?" Are these transvestites what they look or what they feel like?

Another scenario: you are female, have always been female, have been brought up as a female, and have female secondary sexual characteristics. But when going to the doctor to get advice on how to get pregnant, you dont only find out that you are infertile, but that your genotype is XY. are you male or female?

And what happens to the very few unfortunate babies born with XY but a partially functional testosterone receptor: half the testosterone works, the other half is changed to oestrogen due to the high androgen concentration. you get a mixture of both male and female genitalia. So what are these babies? male? female? and who decides?

and what about the hoard of other issues: sexual orientation, marriage, perspective of yourself and stigma of society.
finally if you are a doctor and your patient has this XY despite looking XX issue: do you tell them and risk deep psychological trauma, or do you not tell them, even though you know?

firecrackers and more

as so often writing this blog seems to be catch up with whatever happened which happend so fast I had no time to record it.

I did get home in the end, and I am very thankful.

Reading your blog entry I was reminded of how I spent those few spectacular, wondorous and quite overrated few minutes in which another year silently and inevitably slips by. I was in Berlin, again, and the first time with Jürgen. having walked through an hour of 30cm snow and a street full of quite slippery ice, I was quite unhappy I realised I would not only be increadibly cold and wet (feet) but also very much in danger by the masses of vacuumeheads which decided they would all squeeze onto the Oberbaum bridge in berlin, fire lots of fireworks, and get very very very drunk. I was not amused. I was even less amused when an ideot firing a firecracker had the face of the kid next to him so close that they got some of the flame which sets the mini rocket off into their face. So we decided we would get away and that super quickly. we found a niche next to the river where you could still watch the firecrackers all around, but were surrounded by less ideots.

It was a wondrous spectacle. As I was standing on snow, the icy coldness and wetness slowly seeped through my shoes into my socks and feet. At the same time, I was curious to watch. I am still amazed at firecrackers and find them great and special every time. All around, 360° you could see firecrackers rise en masse in the 10 minutes before and especially in the 15 minutes after midnight. Then there was also the sparkly wine bottle we had organised earlier, which we now, quite unstylishly, shared between us directly from the bottle. And through the conglomerate of freezing, getting more and more tired, alcohol and busteling people trying to get a decent place to watch or fire off their crackers I realised several distinct things. Things I would never have anticipated a year ago:

I live in london. I realised how much has happened: interview, offer, IB, summer, moving in and freshers and now in jan my first exam. I still feel like a tourist.

I travelled to Costa Rica and organised all of it and learned quite a lot of spanish. I realised how much more self sufficient I have become. I organise many new things by myself: travelling, washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping. and it works!!! I am amazed (and so is my mum)

Jürgen is still around. This is the second new year we have spent together. How many more to come?


The rest of the night is a blur. There is no distinct border between 2010 and 2011, no countdown and no second of "now its the new year". Maybe I have stopped to really make a big deal out of it? Then home to the hotel to change soaking shoes and heat me up. Then back out (people in berlin go out very late) to dance in one of the most famous techno clubs in the world, the tresor. home with the tube in the morning at 5:30, bed at 6:00. Thats not something I do on a regular basis.


happy new year!!! (clinks)
and I will see you soon

another year comes by

it's new year. crackers bursting, and the clinks of sparkly glasses usher in the new year all around as i sit in my bedroom, with the intense desire to be left alone. I'm overwhelmed by the year that went by, cos in my life it has been my most significant and richest year. the year i recognized friendship, love, respect and most of all a renewed desire to live. from this time last year, i have grown immensely (though i continue my existence with a below normal height).

i no longer fear sleeping alone. i am stronger around people and am not carried away by the things they say. i have discovered that the one i love the most in this world is my mum,

i have learnt to stay focused in pursuit of my goal. it's the first time in my life that i have single-mindedly pursued a dream (however unromantic my dream of getting into iit is - - it will lead to greater, bigger, lovelier things I'm sure). it's also the first time that i have sacrificed things i love for a greater cause.

i have discovered the love a third person can offer. its so wondrous to know that even without the bounds of obligation, there can be so much care and love. i have experienced friendships that will last for life and have met people who'l stand by me, no matter what.

i have come to realise that other people have lives as intricate and delicately f****d up as mine and that those sorrows that linger on are nothing but withered flowers that have no place in my beautiful garden.

my dreams have been woven a million times as i rested, sometimes uneasily, every night and woke up in the morning glad to see the sun shining through.

this night as i usher in the new year with the beatles playing in my head, i raise my own imaginary sparkly glass and say , here's to the memories of this year... and to our dreams...May we never stop believing in them. And taking the actions that will make them a reality.

to new beginnings (clink)

wish you a happy new year.