the future

yesterday in the public library i found a song i have been looking for for years at least since 8th grade. it is the end of the world by the famous rockband REM. it is about the world falling to pieces, being bombedwith total chaos, i dont know what else. But in the end "I feel fine".

" I feel fine" . Life goes on as it always does. all the sudden i took a full stop in my race of a life, to realise that nothing is of eternity. Until now i had simply lived my life, "flunked" around in school (you know i never flunk... but flunking begins at 99.5% of engine power), danced, did whatever, but signs are heaping up that i need time to think in the continual path of finding out who you really are, and what you really want. for one thing, i met my college advisor on friday. this is pretty straightforeward- may next year ill be out of this litte neighbourhood that "isnt quite am arsch der welt, but you can see it very well from there". small suburbian dream stuttgart. ideal for growing up, but there is so much more out there.

I realised i have to get my act togehter in school. i have it together, but its not going to be enough for what i want. its difficult, as i realise i have just spent another entire afternoon doing nothing, instead of studying for the urgent bio exam coming up. prags, it was so much easier to concentrate when there was somebody to study with-like you. i got pampered ;). the idea of applying in half a year, is scary. the idea to have a new life in a year and a half even more so. I will leave behind those friends that havent already left me- on the one hand thats terribly exciting and i can wait, on the other hand ISS and especially my formation has become rather important to me.

what i am living now is sort of like a dream- my passion of dancing, cool teachers for most of my IB subjects, my passion of piano, and the priviledge of spending time with one of the nicest and smartest guys ive met- a real exeption that can stand sometimes difficult me, and follow along at speeds most people get left behind at. ive come to care about him lots, but the clock is ticking, for the big dark cloud will outpour the flood eventually.

I am scared. I must admit. as always it is hard thinking of letting go of the things you love, of the people you love. but i guess you have to. perhaps the best advice i got in this matter is that its my life. its my decision. if i get admitted to some cool thing, be it uni, be it an exchange, be it a job, be it a dream, l i go there, despite formation, despite possible boyfriend, despite parental nagging. the gain outweighs the loss.

carpe diem- seize the day, treasure it and carefully lock it away in a safe place to remember, for thats the only litte piece of eternity we can take with us. and remember even if the world around you is sinking in chaos, you can always simply "feel fine".